The Story of Iron Jaw Fissy

The famed explorer, John Chop, known as Chop the Fearless, was searching for the lost city of Chicago in dark forests of Atlantis. Deep in the unassailable forest lived the man monster, Iron Jaw Fissy. Many explores had tried to reach the heart of Atlantis but no one had ever been heard from again. It was rumored that Iron Jaw was sitting on the world's only supply of foolarium. Without foolarium electric foose balls could not be manufactured. Someone was needed to reach Chicago and return with foolarium. The foose ball crisis could bring down the Temple of Foose, the site of an international tournament of all the nations of the world.

I Chop the Fearless will bring back some foolarium and save the world. Skeptics asked, “How can you do this when so many have failed.” Raising to his full height of 5 feet and 2 and ½ inches declared, “I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips. All I need is a helper to sharpen my machete as I chop my way through the thick forest. Any volunteers?”

The bravest men shivered with fear at the thought of facing Iron Jaw Fissy. Whenever any explorer reached Chicago his army captured them. Iron Jaw got his name from the steel hard chips that he ate. The captive was told, “If you can eat my hard chips you are free to leave. If not my pet alligators will feast on you while you are still alive. Here have a hard chip.” When they tried to eat one they broke teeth and screamed in pain. Iron Jaw Fissy laughed as the poor fellows were thrown in the pen with the alligators.

Anyone Chop the Fearless asked to join him turned away, “ Are you nuts?, they would say. Just as it looked like the world would be at war because there would be no Foose Ball Tournament, the soft voice of a small by said, “I can sharpen machetes. I'll go with you.” “What's your name?,” Chop the Fearless asked. Raising to his full height of 3 feet and 1 and 1/3 inches he declared, “I am Sam the Dunking Man, the Greatest Basketball Player of all Times,.”

As so they boarded an aluminum row boat with a four-horse outboard motor and headed for the land of Atlantis. John Chop stood on the bow of the boat wearing jungle clothing and crossed machetes across his chest. Sam the man steered the row boat, 12 feet and 3 inches long, on a course to Atlantis. The crowd on Lake Michigan's shore cheered and cried as they knew they would never be seen again.

As the row boat reached the shoals of Atlantis, Sam the Dunking Man had a moment of fear. “Are you sure that we will be able to do this?, he asked. “Have no fear”. John the Fearless answered. “Remember I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips. Together we will get the foolarium and save the world!” They found a sandy beach and pulled the row boat to shore.

The forest ahead looked as if it would not be passable. Vines as thick as a 10-inch post hung down from the trees. The ground was covered with grass as sharp as a knife. Sounds of wild animals growling menacingly filled the air. “This looks like when we play the New York Globe Trotters.” Sam the Dunking Man said. “This looks like a World Series game for me.” “Keep the machetes sharp,” said Chop the Fearless. So off into the forest they went with the machetes swinging.

They came to a river filled with man eating fish and huge snakes. “How will we get across,” asked Sam the Man. John the Fearless said, “I told you that I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips.” He found a long vine cut it off and grabbed Sam the Man and carried him swung with him across the river.

After traveling for a distance, they came to a hot burning desert. “How are we going to get across this?” asked Sam the Man. John the Fearless said “I told you that I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips.” With a machete he cut up a cactus and made umbrellas for them and they walked on in the shade.

At last, they came to a grassy clearing where they could see the skyline of Chicago. Suddenly from all sides men in uniform jumped out and grabbed them. “Are you sure this was a good idea?” Sam the Dunking Man asked. “Not to worry,” Chop the Fearless said with confidence. “I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips.” They were taken to a hall where Iron Jaw Fissy was sitting on a huge throne of foolarium.

“So you come to the forbidden lost city of Chicago for have a visit with Iron Jaw Fissy,” he laughed. “Now you are here, what can I do for you?” he said munching on his famous hard chips. “I came to get some of your foolarium so the world wide Foose Ball Tournament can be played to save the world,” Chop the fearless stated. “Ah yes, I have the word's only known supply of foolarium, and now after the world's leaders excelled me to Atlantis they want some foolarium,” smeared Iron Jaw. “First, before we talk, you must eat some of my hard chips.” he said. “If you can't eat them the both of you will be food for my alligators. Here help yourself and don't be bash full.” he said as he handed a bowl of chips to Chop the Fearless. Sam the Dunking Man, the Greatest Basketball Player of All Times shivered with fear as Chop the Fearless put his hand in the bowl.

Iron Jaw laughed as Chop the Fearless took a hand full from the bowl. Sam the Man shook with fear as Chop the Fearless put a chip into his mouth. There was a crunching sound as Chop the Fearless bit down on the chip and swallowed. Then as Iron Jaw's face took on a look of astonishment, Chop took another, then another, and another until the bowl was empty.

“You are a man I like,” announced Iron Jaw. “For you I give a sack full of foolarium.”

John Chop the Fearless and Sam the Man followed the trail they had cut back to the row boat, 12 feet and 3 inches long with a four-horse outboard motor. “How did you eat those chips,” ask Sam the Man. “I told you that I am rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips.” said John Chop. Getting back to their homeland, the found a sandy beach and pulled the row boat to shore. The sack of foolarium was rushed to the factory that made the foose balls. The foose balls were made in time for the tournament. Every nation in the world made the exact same score in the tournament. As no nation won and no nation lost, all the nations went home happy. There were no wars. Together John the Fearless rough and tough and hard to bluff and used to many hard chips. and Sam the Dunking Man, Greatest Basketball Player of all Times, had saved the world.